Look, it is an injustice that I cannot head down to the James Cash Penney's department store on the Old Town Road and purchase a wide range of back to school vestments from the Lil Nas X line. What even are clothes if they're not the clothes that Lil Nas X, or as I call him, King Nas the Tenth, is rocking? Sold out of King Nas wear? Well, I might as well sit up on my horse in a sack cloth dress because who cares?Why anybody is in these streets dressing like anybody but Lil Nas X or Lizzo is, frankly, beyond me. And let me tell you, I do not personally possess enough juice to rock Lizzo's fashion. But King Nas the Tenth? I would like to see it. On me. In my size.
Lil Nas X is out here effortlessly giving us much more than we could ever ask for or deserve. At the VMAs he served up a Christian Cowan-designed look with P.S. Kaufman boots that is like if the Ghost of Prince came back as a Space Diva and all I could do was look at the screen and shout, "I would die 4 U."
In a silver tux, tailored for the gawds, and a lacy shirt, Lil Nas X showed up as his own Spaceman before he won a single statue. Looking like a bedazzled baroque biscuit! Giving you "The Cast of Priscilla Queen of the Desert performs Amadeus For Some Reason." Lil Nas X showed up out the blue like Elizabeth Taylor in a perfume commercial like, "White Ruffles, these have always brought me luck."
I have decided that when I get this ensemble, and I will get this ensemble, I want to wear it when I'm directing traffic at carpool or maybe when I'm in a Pilates class because it moves well and is eye-catching. See, that's the thing about Lil Nas X-wear: I fully intend to rock it every day, all day. Casual Friday, church, the funerals of my enemies, a bath, gardening. MUL-TI! PUR-POSE! I'm not in the regular habit of winning MTV Awards or having number one hits so you have to make the most of great lewks where you can.
Later in the VMAs, he rocked a red chain-stitched embroidered suit by Union Western Clothing, with a gem-studded belt from B.B. Simon and a matching red hat by Gladys Tamez and red snakeskin boots again by P.S. Kaufman, I say this with all the respect in my heart, he looked like the hottest Red Vine I have ever seen in my life. I want to go the snack counter at every movie theater in the country and demand to buy a King Nas the Tenth. They'll figure it out.
I think this would be a good look for when I am a volunteer fire fighter or possibly just a quick coffee with friends (easy to spot in a crowded Panera).
Lil Nas X is styled by Hodo Musa and I don't want to upset the whole geopolitical situation but it is an outrage that Hodo doesn't have a Nobel Prize yet. Where is the conference on that at the G7, Emmanuel Macron, if you're so serious about this world leader business?
This stylist is carrying the industry on her back! Single-handedly giving me a reason to live! Absolutely murdering me with lewks! A ghost wrote this! A ghost in a white lacy ruffled shirt! Boo! Boo in italics!
No, but seriously? This teal suit with patchwork accents by Pyer Moss? It put me in my grave. And I wrote it a lengthy thank you note. The color is perfection for Lil Nas X's skin tone. Am I weeping right now writing about a suit? Actually, the real question is, why aren't you?
There are so many instantly iconic Lil Nas X lewks; it's truly astounding that our king has never set a foot wrong. See what happens when you mind your business, produce endless remixes, and surround yourself with the best people? That's what I'm trying to do; that's what I need in my life. What am I going to remix? I don't know. This article. You'll get it again tomorrow but with the addition of Mason Ramsey and Rayna from Nashville.
As befits a Country King, Lil Nas X is the Father of Fringe. All of my sleeves are trash compared to this. I look at my fringe-less closet and I honestly hate to see it. Marie Kondo'd the whole thing.
Sparkly magenta with beaded white fringe by Krone! And no shirt! This is my Parent-Teacher Conference lewk. Rolling into that school like "Can't nobody tell me nothing… about my child, actually, unless they have been underperforming in which case, yes, please let's talk about strategies for improvement."
Neon yellow and black fringe by L.A. Roxx? Again no shirt! Perfect for the beach! Will I be too warm? Possibly, but I blame climate change.
But, of course, the lewk that I gathered you all here to see is the masterpiece that is this holographic Back to the Future II meets Back to the Future III ensemble again by Krone.
To quote the Queen of All Things, "when I'm shining, everybody gonna shine."
Let's look at it again.
One more 'gain? Sure, why not. Let's just live.
One, I actually owned pants that were similar to these in college. So, I am a trendsetter and I receive your awe and praise with gratitude. Two, I will own this entire ensemble because this is the lewk of the future. I do not actually know what the 2016 Tom Hanks movie A Hologram for the King is about but I presume it is about Lil Nas X showing us the way to tomorrowland in this Yee Haw 3000 ensemble.
Long live our well-clothed king, long live his stylist, and long live the hangers in his closet from which all blessings flow!
R. Eric Thomas R Eric Thomas is a Senior Staff Writer at ELLE.com, home of his daily humor column "Eric Reads the News," which skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity shade, and schadenfreude.